Saturday, August 23, 2003

There are so many possibilities that could happen everyday. And everytime you could ask the question, what would have happened had i chosen differently. Like, if im hungry, i could go get some food, or not. I chose not, but if i had chose to go get some.....what might have happened? I might have been killed by food poisioning. Ill never know. Or if my family had not decide to get a computer and internet, right now I might have been doing drugs and having sex. Who knows what could have happened if we had done soemthing differently. Had i decided to go for a walk today, i might have been hit by a truck and died. That would be bad. Or had i decided to not wear a certin shirts, i might have been killed by someone who has the same one and was pissed. I know that I'll never know.

Along the same lines:
When we are doing something, and a problem faces us, how do we know that its either a test (possibly of character, bravery or any number of things) or a punishment or warning. Like with the Jews and Hitler, how do we know its not Gods way of punishing them for something, or if it was a test of their faith? Or if we are walking down the street, and a black cat crosses our path, is it a warning? or a test if you will brave enough to continue? Is my constant bad luck a punishment for my misdeeds or tests in my daily life of continuance? Everyone just holds to their own opinion on if its good or bad, and keeps going, but how do we truly know whos right? Because everyone thinks that they are the good guy. These questions probably will never be answered, and if someone does answer me......i will dye my hair pink and try duck.
19:36

What is the reason that women try to change men after they have married them? We always argue that if you loved us enough to marry us, then why try to change that person. Well here is the answer! Women have this "biological clock" that many are fond of talking about. Eventualy they won't have the ability to ahve kids anymore, so before that time, they want to have a mate and....mate with him. They therefor have a limited time to decide on which guy is right for them, limiting their choice. So they might decide on one with the least imperfections than the rest, and then later try to change those imperfections. On the other hand, men have their whole lives to father a child. So they have more time to find this perfect women than the women does to find the man. So this woman they choose should be perfect in their eyes, with no imperfections at all. Which means they wont want to change them after they get married.
Perhaps maybe, this concept could be aplied to dating at our age also, but to a lesser degree since the clock still has plenty of time left. But really, i think its just in women's nature to try to change us. They always do, even if not in love with us. Friends try to change us, but only girls, guys never do. And sometimes, it makes me mad. Are we not good enough? Its not like we're trying to be the best for you. Because its not always about you. So then WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE ME!
00:09

Friday, August 22, 2003

Everyday we decide the fate of living things. Many of us are against killing or hurting others, but others is mostly confined to other humans and large animals. Yet everyday, those same people step on a plant or smack that annoying fly. Why do they only care for the larger animals like pets. Who are you to decide if that fly gets to live or die. Or if that misquito should pay for sucking your blood. Who knows?, that might be the one that scientists would have captured and solved the problem to some horrible disease. Its just that at that moment the misquito is annoying us, and has cause us an inconvience. So it must die. Flys and ants also cause inconvinence, so we kill them. Why dont we kill other people then, that annoy us. We would, if not for our morals. Morals which have a limit. Who are we to decide that weeds should be killed and grass kept? Nature has obviously made the weeds able to take over for a reason, why are we defying it. Is it the power we feel? Humans by nature, love power and control. So each and everyday, we decide somethings life. Chew on that for awhile.
11:48

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Someone..........make my life better, please
22:51

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Want some random bits of poems? well here you go, keep checking back for more added on.......


I remember a time when you loved me
And there was no one else but you and I
You looked in my eyes and meant what was said
But now that time as passed
It hurts more with each new day
I guess it won’t get any easier with time
Because I poured too much love in you
And now it’s never going to return

There’s so much I’d like to say
But the silence remains unbroken
I’ll try to speak with no delay
But I know it will never be spoken

Wish me luck
Because I'm against the odds
I've waded out deep
To defy the Gods
The world might have turned its back
But never shall i give in
Against all those remarks
High I'll hold my chin
Don't try to stop me
Just step back a pace
Because up my sleeve
I still hold the ace

As I fall down the hole of failure,
Nothing seems to be as before
All hope is starting to leave
Just got up and out the door

How can I express these unfelt feelings
The ones forbidden for me to hold
They show up in each of our dealings
Never will any of these words be told

Just to hear you talk of sorrow
It hurts to see your pain
You say I have no idea
But really I’ve seen the same

Why do you do this to me
Rip my heart out just to give it back
Love me when we’re alone
But everyone else must come first
Can’t I ever win this game
Instead of being runner up
Its time to move on to better things
Ones that aren’t as great
Because nothing can be the same
Yet for the past I still long

why does she have to do this to me every time,
Everytime my heart gets ripped out and beat on the floor,
Never again can i let this happen to me,
But then i start walking back into her arms,
Just to have it happen the same as last time
And then we kiss

Shadows of the mind are running
With rampant speed of air
Passing the fleeting moment
As if it were taking a nap
Suspicion growing with each
Point of these passings
Till I can’t get these thoughts
Out from the darkness they hide
Where they brood and expand
Until I myself am consumed

Each night I hurt so bad
Yet never cry myself to sleep
Even though the tears don’t come
The pain is still felt deep
My heart breaks in two
But no sign crosses my face
Because I am something strong
Apparently soon to be replaced
Until it’s late I lay awake
Heavy thoughts lay on my chest
Tiny drops soon appear and glisten
Now I can finally get some rest

Let me crawl into your mind
And just see for a second
The thoughts you keep
And what you really think
Do you mean what is said?
Or just what I want to hear
Is it truly what you mean?
I doubt it every time you speak
Only once is what I ask
But it will never happen
And I won’t know the real you
Because I will never be inside


22:18

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I'm so lost and confused, and sad. This was the perfect day, i was so happy. But happyness comes with a price i guess. So now, because of a good day, my life for the moment has fallen. Theres so much....bah, im done. i cant even go on. i dont know. I think im starting to cry actualy.
00:28

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Thoughts of the day:

Dreams:
Why don't we see color in dreams? Is it that we simply dont dream with color, or do we just not pay attention to small details like that. Which is very possible since i hardley remember the dream at all. Are dreams just our imagination running wild, or is it memories being played over...even if they are a little wierd sometimes.
And I can only remember a few dreams.
-One was there were a whole bunch of robots in my backyard and i was doing like a tourist atraction, until they started attacking us so we were running away over neighbor's fences, looking back i see one robot lift another over the fence and think oh no, they're escaping. then my dad says "lets hop this fence" and i woke up.
-In the next i was walking through Greg's backyard for some reason and there was a whole mess of giant spiders (not like a house, but like.....the size of your fist, if you dont count their legs. And in real life, that s a big frikin spider) in these massive webs. So im walking around them so they dont bite me. But then i get the bright idea to throw a rock at one and run away. So i throw the rock but that little bastard jumps out of the way and runs at me and jumps onto my stomach and bites me. Then i woke up.
-One time i was just walking along, then i remember thinking, hey wait a second, im dreaming. then i woke up.

Do we have a moral obligation to the trillions of unborn people that never will have the chance to live unless we chose it for them? I guess this goes along the lines of pro-choice or pro-life. So even if you dont kill you half-grown baby in your body and instead think ahead and dont even have sex at all. You are still killing the possible children in which you dont concive. If you have a child, and are trying to decide if you want another or two or three, whats stops some people from doing it and doesn't with others. Many claim its the financial or time constrants that stop them, but is it really a deeper reason?

Finally, just to appease you with the curious mind, the songs without a title and author after it are mine. So you can stop asking me. Patent pending of course.

Thats it.
14:02

I don’t care who you wanna pray to
If it makes you happy then go ahead
But you claim I'm wrong, what gives you the right
Just stick to you own life
-Stand by
-Dance Hall Crashers
13:52

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Maybe i do just dwell on things too much. I can remember so many times i felt horrible for doing something, but not many i felt good for. And for days i contemplate and think about something that happened, always in the past. Up coming things dont really affect me. I dont get too excited about things. I dont know. I remember little things no one else does, but its just because i did something that i regret. Not anything big either, just little things. But no one else remembers or will remember. Just locked in my mind for all eternaty, always to regret the past.

And people always notice when you screw up once, but never when you do it right a thousand times.
20:55

Im sorry for everything:



A friend I might have called you
But now it does not seem so
For you are much more than that
And to you there is much I owe

Every time we meet together
Another step we take
Towards the feelings I hide
The very ones I try to fake

With each day that passes by
Never will we be the same
We’ve grown closer each time
Since I heard you’re name

I miss you when we don’t talk
Or when we start to fall
It pains me when we fight
I guess my heart is just too small

Its not that I would call it love
Just a very close bond I’d say
Yet over others I hold you high
Hope you can see it in that way

18:12

Why am i the way i am? I can't express myself well enough. Thats why if im in an argument, unless ive spent lots of time rolling it over in my mind, i will lose. Thoughts dont flow to my mouth fast enough, or in the corect way i want it to. I will be wrong to everyone else, but myself since i have my toughts. And i can never convince anyone else otherwise. Thats probably why ive just given into saying im sorry whenever the thought of an argument ocures. The only outlet i have of my emotions is physicaly. Just 5 min ago, i biked like nothing else to nowhere and back, simply because i had to get away. Away from the computer where people talk about life and their problems. Outside is a true friend. But i cant let out my anger or sorrow in any other way than running or biking or beating the hell out of something. And while doing this, ill think of plenty of things i should have said in the argument, but even then, when i return, all i can think of saying is "sorry" and there it ends, since if i say anything more ill be forced to run out of the house again wondering how can people think this way. How does that thought even enter into someones mind? Man society really has screwed everyone over. Maybe I'll just hold on. Be the rock, an island in the sea "friends"
15:50

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

The RBF concert rocked. Starting with everyone in line to go to what seems like the post office and moving on to the stuffing cameras in our pants hoping the guys patting us down dont go into the crotch area. Then these random singers on the second floor singing about some wierd funny thing that has been washed from my mind at the moment. And then the fun started. I have never been more violated in my life. To clean myself from last night i would have burn my skin off and then gouge out my eyes. For the first three bands, which weren't really that great, we hung out near the moshpit of death. Elbows, fists, heads, feet...all flailing around in a whirlwind of terror. Just by standing near the origin, you were sucked into the fray. Most often you would end up on the other side and be forced to jump back into it to return to everyone else. Laura getting knocked on her ass was quite the sight. Oh, then theres this chick in a bikini top, which just happens to fall of right in the middle, thank god her back was towards me. Next came the constant stream of crowd surfers. It only sucked when they came from the back and you had no warning until they're crotch is right in your face. And the band Molly & co. came to see was really a disapointment, maybe they're just not good live but they sucked. After the first three punk bands i was really in the mood for some good old ska. Never will i not appriciate a good brass sound. So as RBF comes on laura and I decided to make it to the very front, which we did accomplish by the end. Once we got through the hordes of bodies, theres the constant fat people, or whores, and theres no escape by the time you get there. All you can do is move with the flow of the crowd. Being up there was like being raped from all sides. ALL SIDES. No where on your body is safe, and i mean nowhere. Especialy when some girl behind you is way too excited and wont stop rubbing her body against you, which forced you forward into the girl in front of you. And the high pitched screams just blast your ears out. After that concert i couldn't hear any thing. And finally, it wouldn't be a concert without the black man with a fro cusing out some white girl in the front or the lead singer mooning the crowd or middle fingers aplenty. But thats what we all went there for. So in all, it was a very fun night. In fact, one might go as far as saying it was memorable.
13:53